Not really there [TTRPG bluebooking]
"Wow. I… Well, I am surprised to hear that. I thought Orion was more professional than that, to be honest." Wolf sighed and leaned against the counter. "I would be pissed off too. So, you took the pause?"
"No, not really. I just asked for some time alone. I have spent a few days at Star's place, helping here and there. Labor is as good as a workout; it helps to gather your shit together and clear your mind. I was thinking about coming to you first, but… I didn't want to lash out at you. With Star, I would never. And she's a wonderful friend. Her silent acceptance was exactly what I needed from Orion, but he can't keep his fucking mouth shut."
"Have you had your session with Phil yet?"
"I had. And, honestly, it scared the shit out of me. I have realized how emotionally numb I am. I sincerely wanted to help this Nat; I felt for her and her loss. But… it's like you want to care. You sincerely do! But you can't. Something stands between you and the empathy or emotions you have inside. And this strange sensation… when your body is in the room with everyone else, but you are not really there. That's how my first time in the Afterlife was. I didn't care. I can't even describe the place, because I don't remember a single detail. It's an early sign of the psychosis, and I wouldn't have noticed it if not for Phil's observations. That's why I decided to pause with the cyberware."
"Well, maybe it's not that bad? It was your first time at the coolest place in Night City! You and your chooms gained enough reputation to be allowed there, and it's just…" Wolf smiled and shook his head. "Wow. It's indeed a humbling experience!"
"It probably is, but others fared better than I did. Echo has the drink named after him, for example."
"No way!"
"Yes way." Minz smiled back. "Brother deserves it; he rarely hacks, but he is damn good with crazy plans, acting, and combat. As for the others… can't say I remember much, except the briefing. Oh, and then, after the meeting with our contact, we moved through the camp of the homeless. Star helped these poor people. Echo helped them. And I still felt numb. I was completely lost. I knew I felt bad for them and the conditions they live in, but, once again, something was standing between me and these emotions. The only thing that made my heart beat faster was combat. I was excited for it. That's where the barrier faded. And I start questioning myself…"
Minz took a long pause. Wolf wasn't interrupting, waiting patiently for the rest of the story. He knew what happened in general detail, but they didn't have a chance to talk like that after the mission ended. He opened a can of spritz, taking a sip out of it. The bitter grapefruit taste was fitting the conversation, Wolf thought. He tried to stay optimistic, but what Minz described was indeed very troubling.
"I wonder if my initial drive to install some chrome was dictated by my wish to protect the crew or to hurt people more effectively." Minz continued. "Because I love hurting my enemies. My favorite part is watching how their bodies give in to biotoxin. I know it's incredibly painful. It makes you shut down in the most agonizing way. And it makes me feel, you know. This. Not sympathy, not empathy, not love. I am sick of myself. If that's what it means to be considered outstanding in this city, I want none of it. I will better keep my consistently average status."
Wolf put the can on the counter and joined Minz on the couch, hugging him.
"You are a legendary older brother, and I will always consider you as such. If you ever feel bad or lost, or like you're losing control, remember it."
Minz hugged him back without saying a word, but Wolf knew these words touched him just because of how tight the hug felt. It was just like before, when they were still living with their father. Wolf said to Minz that it's unfair that father donesn't love him, but if he's such a jerk, Wolf will love his older brother for them both. And he does ever since.
After some time in that heartfelt silence, Wolf let him go. Minz didn't feel so tense anymore, so that's good. In the end, he takes therapy, and he is self-aware enough to not install anything else for now. He will be fine. He has to be fine.
"You can stay for a few days if you want. It's your apartment after all." Wolf suggested.
"Nah, I can't. While I was at Star's place, I was still getting back to my hideout to feed the insects. Odesh is doing great, and her kids are soon to be separated from her. Then I will honor my and Orion's deal and will probably sell the rest. Synthetic venom is not nearly as good as the natural one; I am pretty sure I will find buyers rather quickly… Speaking of personal business, how is your netrunning escapade going?"
"Good, I guess. I currently learn to swim, so to speak, so I only scratch the surface. I promise I will not do anything reckless. I am well aware of dangers, but I have learned enough about security to have a good advantage from the start. Maybe one day you'll let me speak to Echo; the guy has his own drink after all, and I would love to learn from such a person."
"We'll see about that. It's a good thing that Ditto was amused by your punking; otherwise, you could already be in trouble."
"He didn't know that I was the reason for the leak before I told him. I studied for six years to learn everything about modern security systems, so of course I learned a lot about track recording and how this process goes. Besides, I may get netrunners among my clientele later if I have a more intimate look at their art. Anyways, I feel rather hungry. Does your delivery come here soon?"