Really there [TTRPG bluebooking]
Orion was smoking the seventh cigarette in a row. It's a good thing that the private lounges here have nice ventilation. Minz hates smoke, and usually Orion doesn't touch cigarettes before meeting him, but today it was different. They had their first serious conflict, and it was Orion's fault.
He just wanted to help more. He wanted to be useful. To be a good boy. But after that conversation at the rooftop, Minz left with the short "I need some time alone," and that was it. Then, in about half an hour, he received messages from disappointed Phil and a notification about supervision sessions. He was out of work for two weeks. He was out of touch with Minz. He was answering very uncomfortable questions from Phil. He had no one to turn to for comfort.
Then it dawned on him that Minz actually didn't need his help that day. He just wanted his warmth and nonverbal support. But Orion was so busy with his role as a psychiatrist that he missed the moment when he became needed as a loved one. He could just give Minz a hug, and it would be so much better. He didn't give him love; he gave him unasked professional advice.
So when he wrote down this conclusion and asked Minz to meet him at the private lounge of the club they had visited together once, he didn't expect him to answer. Yet, he received a short but promising "OK."
Minz arrived just as Orion was taking out his next cigarette from the cigarette case. He put it back immediately, noticing how Minz winced and waved his hand in front of his face. Yeah, probably vents were not prepared for this much stress reduction. And not that smoking actually helped.
"Hi," he said in a dull, quiet voice. Minz nodded and sat in an armchair, still keeping his distance. There was enough space at the couch, but Orion got the message. Minz is still mad at him. "I am sorry that I wasn't the person you needed then and there. I think that my behaviorā¦"
Minz rubbed his face with visible frustration and interrupted. "By the way you talk, it seems like you still don't get it. How much time did you spend making this perfectly placed apology with all the right words and stuff? Why do you think I want it this way?"
"I speak how I can. I was always this way. If you don't want to accept itāfine. But there's nothing more I can offer. I am sincerely sorry."
"Where are your emotions then? You keep giving me the same cold professionalism you give to your clients. And, likeā¦ did you even miss me?"
"You have no idea how I felt during these past two weeks! No. Fucking. Idea. I get it; I hurt your feelings. But why do you keep pushing me away and being such a dismissive bitch?! Pretty much everyone left me alone because I committed the cardinal sin of mixing work and personal life. Now keep fucking beating me while I am already on the ground, you asshole. Was this emotional enough for you?"
Orion's hands were shaking from anger. This was definitely not off to a good start. Not to mention that his eyes started burning. He was on the verge of tears for the first time in many, many years.
It was terrible. He taught his patients that it's okay to cry. Hell, even Minz cried in his presence. But he felt humiliated by the fact he wanted to cry right now. What a hypocrite he is, apparently. And Minz made him so angry and sad and tearful to demonstrate it. He wasn't handling himself well. How can he handle other humans then?
He was holding tears back until he felt the warmth of Minz's embrace. Yes, he missed it so much. He didn't even realize it. Orion still felt anger, but after a few futile attempts to distance himself, he simply gave up and started crying.
What a mess he is. What a fucking disgusting, humiliated, hypocritical mess. And still, despite all of this, there is a person there for him. He was loved for the way he is, even when he wasn't cool, calm, and collected.
Maybe if he had cried earlier, he wouldn't have smoked so much. Maybe he could have a deeper understanding of what people want from him. He uses words as formulas. They are beautiful but stale. He was always damn afraid to improvise; it felt too volatile. But now, as Minz squeezed the reaction out of him, he feltā¦ relieved. He was still frustrated and disappointed in himself, and although he was hurting, it was much less than before. Minz didn't care how much it hurt when he placed his words. But it made Orion feel better in the end.
Pretty much like a good surgeon does. They are here to save lives, not to pity you.
"Do you still love me?" It was the most idiotic question Orion could have asked between the sobs, but he needed to know.
"Never stopped in the first place," Minz replied. "And I love you even more when you are yourself, even though being yourself is often ugly."