Therapy session [TTRPG bluebooking]
"I don't understand. I don't understand why I felt loved more when I was worse. Now I ask myself, was it actually worse or …"
Minz could go back to Orion after that party. He could have made a scene; he could have accused and screamed and let his anger and frustration be known. But he didn't. Instead, he decided to head to his apartment and sleep this all away. And in the morning, ask Phil if he had time for the appointment. Luckily for him, Phil was available.
"I love that you have questions about your feelings and not about Orion. This is a very mature approach. I think we need to dive deeper, though. What made you worse back then?"
"Well," Minz sighed. "I hurt Orion when I first met him. He didn't respect my boundaries, but violence wasn't the right answer."
"It wasn't the wrong answer either. It was your answer. You didn't beat him in the back alley; you brought him to the gym. You gave him time to know you better. You treated him as an opponent, thus — the equal. And later on, when you spent the night together, you made your point once again. Orion was your equal in the relationship. For him, you were the person you still are. This returns me to my question: what made you worse?"
"You mean… he saw past my outburst? Oh, of course he did; he's a psychiatrist, after all. I… I guess I see your point here."
"Your feelings are always valid; I just offer outside perspective. You do not notice many details in your behavior because you are so concentrated on particular patterns. Do you recognize the reason behind your fixation?"
"My father."
Yes, he feared becoming like him. Parents curse you with their presence in your life. Together with that, Minz hated to admit that he had learned all the best things in life from his father. His archery skill. His knowledge and love for classical music. His fascination with insects.
Aren't these things a big part of what made him loveable in the first place?
"You are not your father, Minz. You don't make choices he would make being in the same situation as you. However, that ganger paid with his life for your bad mood. So while you don't take your anger out on loved ones, others may suffer."
"Key word — it was a ganger who tried to fuck with people I know. I would never attack someone random on the street just because I am upset. I have a gym for that. I have music for that. I have my friends I can talk to."
"So what made you worse back then? What will you consider a worse version of you now?"
"If I start hurting people I love and care about and take no accountability and no actions to make amends. If I refuse to see Orion's perspective. If I put my needs before his boundaries."
"While the first point is fine, the second and the third ones are a bit… off. It's the way of a people pleaser, don't you think?"
"Well, of course, I make my perspectives and needs known too."
"And what if Orion ignores it?"
"There must be a reason. Maybe I did something wrong, and we haven't talked about it. Or perhaps something has triggered his old traumas. Perhaps he no longer loves me romantically, and although even the thought of it hurts, I must find the strength to let him go."
Minz heard that Phil made a few notes in his notebook. He knew that this was the continuation of the long, tangled scheme of his mind. And it means he made some progress. So much so that the anger he felt before the session disappeared without a trace.
"Once again," Phil said. "You are not your father. You are not even close to becoming him, for better or worse. And you were never like him. He died by the hands of his son, betrayed by his friends, hated by his wives, and most importantly—cursed by both of his children, who fear becoming him. What will happen if you die?"
"Star would be devastated, because she would do anything to save my life. Wolle and Orion would also be devastated. The rest of my crew may mourn me as well. Max, Ditto, Marthe, and Martin… Maybe even Molfar or Saint."
"There are so many people who would be affected by your death. If it's not the middle finger to the face of your dad, I don't know what is. He said you would never become a solo. Yet here you are. He said you will never have friends. But there are so many people who care deeply about you. He said that nobody will ever love you. You are in a relationship. It may be turbulent at times, but you love, and you felt loved at some point. And you have all of this precisely because you are not him. Knowing that, what will you do now, after our session ends?"
"I will ask if Orion has time and talk to him. I will ask him about yesterday's emergency and if he needs any help. If everything is fine, I will let him know that the lack of affection hurts me a lot and I don't feel loved by him, even though I appreciate all the care he provided."
"Sounds like a good plan."
Minz just noticed a barely visible smile on Phil's face. He will never say anything, but it was obvious he knew something Minz didn't. Well, he always does.
He's a psychiatrist, after all.